[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.