harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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Love this guy
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.