[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
me irl
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?