Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?