*watches the world burn*
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.