When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The glockness monster
He just like my cat fr
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.