I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
kids play hide and seek like
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.