MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
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Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
yeah 😭
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?