[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My what?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
fired
Canada has crack?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS