Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
this chia pet tastes awful
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
So we got a goldfish…
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.