In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
drew a comic about my origin story
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Thinking about Jeff
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.