Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
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Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
😅😅😅
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.