Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
adam and eve had first world problems
There is no “we” in pizza
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
That time Alicia messaged me
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway