Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings