My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND