LOL
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doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
This one’s “Alex”.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I created you as mosquito food.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?