All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I feel seen.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.