Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.