I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
You Might Also Like
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss