According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.