The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets