“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
good work, detective
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here