If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.