My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
You Might Also Like
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My whole life was a lie.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I…do not understand how electricity works.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.