Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Put this video in the Louvre
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]