My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*