Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
😅😅😅
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
do what now??
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.