I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”