Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
When I said I liked it rough.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.