I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.