Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Pringles
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.