My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
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Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
why am I working on Labor Day
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform