Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.