His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
The asteroid..
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work