Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.