Meeeee too!
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Somebody’s lying.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.