Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
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Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
“How’s your day going?”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.