Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.