WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”