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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir