If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
You Might Also Like
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.