Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.