What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
79.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
The first one, obviously
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.