One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa