me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
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“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”