You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat