Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child