Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
You Might Also Like
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Who needs an Air Fryer?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]