[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
When you’re Kinky but poor
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
S M O L
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”