Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one